“Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss?” Somehow the irony of these written words by Kiran Desai always haunted me. For the longest time, I kept reflecting upon the sublimity of the question, swaying between ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. To be honest, my logical mind always believed that fulfillment is felt as deeply as the loss if not more. But my heart somehow always begged to differ.
Every achievement, every success, every bit of fame always left me asking for more. Pushing my desires to almost unattainable limits at times, it was like a bottomless pit no amount of accomplishment could ever fill. I found myself constantly looking for more. And what did I gain in that process? A miserable existence. An existence where I was so superficial, hankering for trivial success, frivolous fame, and irrelevant rewards. It was an unending desire and my soul got bruised again and again.
And what happened when I was faced with failure, loss, or ‘No’s’? No denying the fact that it did hurt, it crushed my self-esteem, my confidence. It made me fearful of the future. It made me question my faith. It challenged my every belief. I found myself absolutely alone. The crowd that surrounded me in my achievement suddenly disappeared in my failure. But surprisingly, the depth of my existence that I could never have reached in triumphs suddenly becomes so accessible in the loss. I could reach to the deepest core of my soul.
However ironic it may sound but fulfillment could never compete with the loss if I really want to know myself. Away from applauds, cheers, cynicism and the inevitable jealousy, in my loss, in my failure, I find my real self in the deepest recesses of my heart hitherto unknown to me.
To sum up.....
" I lost myself in my gains and I found myself in my losses."